N:To those concerned... Things aren't okay or good... They suck... It's really bad for me especially, but Jannette isn't so perky either.
Reasons Nora (The writer here) is sad
Chronic depression hitting hard
I got sexually harassed waitress-ing at work (taken care of, but being teased about it)
My mom's friend may be dying
I've been tottaly ignored, and somewhat pushed away recently by some newer friends I made after re-gaining my self confidence, who are giving me reason to believe I don't matter to them and they don't really care about me like I thought I did, and they won't even let me ask if I did anything wrong.
I've been having odd dreams where no matter what it is, Death himself is just in the background, visible, but totally out of the way unless I deliberately walk toward him. He keeps looking at some sort of hourglass wristwatch (presumably how long I have left to live till I die naturally, because it's only like 1/8 the way done) and is holding a knife with my name on it, for me to kill myself with. This isn't the first time I've contemplated suicide, but I know I still have a ton of potential and I have a lot to live for, so I don't ever plan on putting that knife to my chest ever again. (You can thank Jannette for me still being alive typing this, her love and friendship being the main reason I couldn't go through with it.)
That trend I've noticed of things going wrong to make me sad when I feel happy with my life... It just keeps happening. I know life has it's ups and downs and is like a rollercoaster, but can Life please stop setting the 90 degree straight downs right after the slow and shakey ups?
If it was a coaster, it would look like this and repeat forever...
Reasons Jannette is sad
I don't know for sure why because she doesn't want to talk a whole lot about them, but Jannette has also been having odd dreams , though while mine have the Grim Reaper just nonchalantly waiting for me to come over and kill myself, but otherwise staying out of the way of whatever I
m dreaming about, Jannette's subconscious has had a much darker tone... They seem to be about the thing she is most afraid of, and that is death. Not her death, but somehow being responsible for the death of those she loves most... and let me tell you, when I asked her to put the deaths in detail, she held nothing back.
One dream Jannette told me about that creeped the fuck out of me was of Jannette's spirit, watching herself, brutally torture and eventually "kill" my immortal soul, letting it just hang there and rot as I am as close to death as a spirit can become, still feeling all the pain inflicted. All the while the real Good Jannette we all know and love is helpess to save me from herself, yelling and pleading to make it stop (which I apparently heard because Jannete said I treid to reply before I was stabbed in the neck). And because the dark Jannette never talked or directly touched me in the dream and I had been blindfolded (before my eyes got stabbed first thing) I never even knew It was "Jannette" that "killed" me, because I thought Jannette was pleading for my safety but unable to stop the tourture.
I myself didn't even Know Jannette was watching herslef hill me because that was the last thing she told me about it, leaving my killer a mystery until she said "It was me! and I forced myself to watch the whole thing!" before starting to cry.It was really intense and really scary for her.
Keep in mind, this is just ONE of those night mares, and this one was last night! She doesn't even want to sleep anymore until she can learn to control her dreams and not have another nightmare like that
one. She's also mentioned her mother a few times when we were talking about other nightmares, and no matter how many times she's heard otherwise, Jannette feels responsible in some way for her mother's untimely passing. We know it shouldn't be her fault, but she honestly believes she somehow responsible.
Her aunt's friend may be dying... same person, but he's a dear friend nonetheless
We had a pointless argument a few days ago. She was trying to do something nice for me but it turned out to only hurt me, and I just couldn't help but be mad at Jannette for once, rather, what she did and not Jannette herself. She was very confused, because I was yelling, but to show I still loved her I kissed her and snuggled her while still keeping my mad tone. It took her a while to get it, and it felt good to be mad and express it for once.
This is the main reason: Because she hates seeing thew woman she loves feel so down in the dumps again, and it seems no matter how hard she tries to pull me out, it just isn't enough, and she's afraid... she is afraid that she may be the reason I keep falling back down that sad hole thing from those Abilify comercials, and if no that, then she is afraid she can't do enough to pull me out... won't stop her from trying though. Jannette has never given up on me, and I doubt she will, even if she knows it's a futile effort.